MY LIFE~PART 1

I felt the need to write again after a long absence from it.  Many of my clients and prospective clients ask me how I got into this field of work, how did I start and why? In answering those questions I found myself needing to writing it all out. This has been cathartic for me, and if my story helps even one person then I am glad that I have  shared so much with you dear readers. This is PART 1. There will be more to follow. As always questions or comments are welcome but moderated by me. If there is something you would like me to write about please feel free to contact me at: jadecreations@yahoo.com
~Jade

Jade
LeI used to love to write.  In school and just for fun I wrote every time of prose from stories to poems. I explored writing in many different genres, everything from modern day to film noir to science fiction. It didn’t matter as long as I could write. I suppose it went hand in hand with loving to read. As a child, I was painfully shy and awkward. I had a great deal of trouble making friends and it didn’t help that I went to a very small school full of bullies who were determined to make my time there miserable.  At home it wasn’t much better, so I escaped into my books. Wonderful stories that drew me into their world which was much more exciting and interesting than mine!  So I suppose, that is where my love of writing began, as I wanted to create worlds too. I found it fascinating and enthralling how words could be manipulated to create visual images in our minds, how a story could draw you in so completely that your mind gave life to its characters.  If anyone has ever read a novel that you could not put down because you were so engrossed into its characters’ lives, then you know exactly what I am talking about.

After high school I abandoned writing.  I don’t think I did it consciously. It was more of a gradual slipping away of mu desire to write. My life became filled with trying to find a career choice that I could live with that I didn’t hate.  I became overly burdened with the stresses of being “successful” and all that came with it. Don’t get me wrong, I never was a great success at any career back then, but boy did I try!  If you want a movie analogy, then I was Neo, not the fish that was Nemo, I mean the guy.  That mystical “one” that was supposed to do great things except unlike the character in that popular movie, I knew it. I had felt that pressure from day 1.  Day 1 you say? Oh yes, from the day I was born I had to fight.

 I was a premature baby born to a teenager mother who put me up for adoption. I was born weighing less than 3lbs so I fought to live, and I’ve been fighting ever since.  I was adopted by a family that already had one adopted son.  Early on I realized that he was their favorite, the chosen one if you will. No matter how destructive or difficult he was (and oh boy was he!) there was never any doubt that they loved him. He could do no wrong and if he did?,  well it was swept under the rug and the appropriate measures taken to smooth over the surface again, lest anyone suspect that this particular nuclear family was anything but a pristine example of family bliss.

So what did I do surrounded by people who were unable to express their love for me? Surrounded by people who in fact made it clear to me, every day that I was merely a pawn, a slave, a child chosen not for love but perhaps to save a marriage that had been failing from the early stages. So much responsibility and pressure was heaped upon me to be a companion to a mother who lacked the emotional intelligence to truly care about anyone other than herself, and a father who took out his frustrations and anger with life on his only daughter.  What did I do? I survived and I refused to let that part of me that knew the truth die.  What was that truth? The truth was the fact that I wasn’t like them at all. The truth was that I wasn’t all the awful things they said I was and despite being made to feel like I was a “freak”, I knew that being different was okay, in fact it was awesome! It wasn’t easy, so many times I came close to surrendering that bit of wisdom, that spark that kept me going, but I am stubborn,  and holding onto my spark,  I refused to believe every lie and injustice that was thrust upon me. I kept that spark alive through all of it, not for anyone else but for me.  Years later I took possession of a name that I had attributed to my rebellious brother. I called him the “Black Sheep” because he was always in trouble, but one day I realized that the “Black Sheep’ had been, and is, me and I am not only okay with that, I embrace it.

I hate for this to turn into one of THOSE stories.  I don’t want the focus to be only on the negative aspects, and In fact a good part of me is screaming “ugh! Don’t tell them! So much drama let it go!!” It is true. It does feel like so much drama because it was, it is. The pain and hurt of being abandoned while under the pretense of caring to this day hurts my soul. For all of the work that I have done and continue to do, it still hurts.  Perhaps less and less and I certainly have found a perspective that I could not fathom back then, but the core hurt is still there to some degree.  Could I make it all go away and find supreme peace? Maybe. To be honest I have no idea, and I also don’t know if I want to try to get rid of it completely.  Maybe it’s fear or maybe I need it right now.  I do know that my struggles have helped me to be the person that I am today.  I know, it’s that old cliché, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” So what does that say about people that can’t be stronger?  What does it say about those that give in to it all?  Does that mean that they are weak?  I don’t think it means that at all. I think some people just don’t have any help, they don’t have anyone to turn to who understand them or cares for them, or if they do, they are so far under in pain, there is no spark left for them to find. It’s sad and tragic but we can never know their souls journey, their true purpose in being in this world.  It is not for me to judge anyone, I can only practice compassion and be a guide and mentor to those who give me the honour of being there for them.  I also take my spark and hold tight to it, in honour of those few souls who were there for me and reminded me that I was worth it.

Jade
LetYourSpiritGrow.com