The Walls We Build
When I was a little girl, I used to dream that someone would rescue me from my life. I never thought of myself as a princess, I was never raised or taught to be one by my parents, but still, I wanted to be saved by someone.
As the years went by, no one came to save me. I waited like I was supposed to, but I saw no brave knights. There were no flowers, no gentlemanly kisses to my hand, and no offers of courting. In my heart, I knew that I was a good person and nothing like most of the people around me. I didn’t want to make people suffer, and I certainly didn’t get any joy out of anyone’s suffering, and yet, constant negativity directed at me had made me doubt my self and my actions. I had built so many bricks for my tower, that it was almost blocking out all the light around me. So much so, that I was only paying attention to the darkness. That darkness fed my fears, ignorance of life, false beliefs, and poor self esteem.
Fed up with the way my life was going, one day I decided that sitting in a tower was pretty darn boring! I wanted to learn things, I wanted to live my life, and I wanted to have my own voice. I looked around my tower and I realized that no one had built it for me. No one had put me in that enclosed space but myself. So I looked around my tower, and I decided that things needed to change, because my prince wasn’t coming, this wasn’t Camelot, and I was no Guinevere!
I had no idea where I was going to start or how, so I just started with something I already knew how to do that had helped me in the past. For me, that was talking to myself with only positive messages. Any time I heard myself saying something negative out loud or in my head, I would correct myself, and change the message to a positive.
For example: If I met someone new, previously I would have told myself that maybe the person wasn’t interested in what I had to say. The “new” me said to myself “This will be fun. It’s exciting to meet new people. I wonder what interesting conversations we will have?”
Of course at first it was incredibly hard for me to even think positive thoughts. I struggled to maintain control and not panic when speaking to new people. Sometimes I would pretend that I was excited to meet someone new but inside I was scared and insecure. Eventually, doing it over and over again, I began to realize that it wasn’t an act anymore. I really did enjoy meeting new people and having interesting conversations. I also realized that sometimes other people were nervous too, so I did not feel so alone.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I learned years later what I was doing, what I still do to this day, is a form of Self Hypnosis. Self Hypnosis is something that most people do all day long, but unfortunately, many of them give themselves negative messages. Negative self talk only causes a reinforcement of negative patterns in the brain. What that means, is that just like myself, I was so stuck in my dark tower that I could not see the light that was around me! If all you see, hear and speak is negative, that is all that you will attract and all that you will feel.
With that one action of continued positive self-talk, I had kicked out some the bricks in my tower to let more light in. By doing that, I was able to see that there was hope in my life. I kept encouraging myself to try new things, so I went to social events that I never would have gone to before. I forced myself to talk to people, sometimes people I knew, mostly people I didn’t know. Sometimes that didn’t go very well, but I kept trying. The braver I got, the stronger I felt. I volunteered in Hospitals so that I would be forced to interact with people. One volunteer position was in a Hospital gift store so I could learn new skills without the pressure of worrying about being fired if I messed up!
Everyone has their own path in life, and only you get to decide how you will view it. If you only see the rocks you stumble on, or the animals that try to bite you, you will miss some incredible aspects of your journey along the way. If you hold fear in your heart, and build up your tower so you never move, never feel the touch of another; never move on from past negative experiences, you will have deprived yourself of a full life and an amazing journey.
As the years have gone by and my life has gone up and down, so has my tower. Everyone is a work in progress as no one is perfect; no one is without fault. Today my tower has some bricks left. They are pretty strong and resistant to breaking, but that is okay. I am working on them and loving myself, and the light that can reach me now.
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