​My son has a new toy this week. It’s a mini grocery cart that he has wanted for ages. I saw it in the thrift store so I decided to buy it for him. Yesterday he came into my office pushing it full to the brim with fake veggies and fruits, and at the top sat his favorite stuffed tiger and bunny toys. I asked him if he was having fun with his new toy and commented on his stuffed animals. “Yup. I’m taking them for a walk” he said. “They are getting some fresh air!” and with that he rolled off again into the other room.

Watching him just made me smile and think about how easy it is for children to connect with fun and playfulness. How creative and inventive they can be, and how for the most part, it is so easy to make them happy. It also made me think about how quickly we can lose that part of ourselves.  How for most of us growing up, also meant letting go of that joy.

It was not until I had my son that I realized how much of that joy I had let go of, and how so many of us have a need to connect with that part of ourselves again. I can hear the collective groan! Yes I am talking about that “find your inner child” stuff that people talk about, but don’t worry. There is a fine line to finding your inner child though, and it’s about still being an adult and keeping up with all of the responsibilities of your life, AND embracing that fun, playful and imaginative side of yourself.

So where to start? For my clients who are unsure and hesitant to begin, I always suggest a very easy route which is to purchase a box of crayons and a colouring book. They are readily available at any dollar store in a wide range of themes. In the privacy and safety of your own home, take the time to colour at least one page. Don’t worry about the “rules” that say the sky must be blue or the grass green etc. Just play and be creative. If you go outside the lines it’s okay. In fact, do it deliberately just to see how it feels: be brave! Each week pick up something new to try such as modeling dough, stickers, toy cars, blowing bubbles or whatever else you desire. I bet that pretty soon you will be looking forward to your new “toy” and what you get to play with that week!

Life is full of lessons, and one painful one that most of us have encountered at some point in our lives, is that of a need to define the bounds of friendship. It can be  painful because in defining the parameters of friendship, many of us have come to the realization that we have been “friends” with people who do not have the same beliefs regarding it as we do. That means  we have been left feeling hurt and betrayed.

Friendship is a relationship built on trust, loyalty and understanding of each other’s needs. It should not based on greed, guilt or deceit, and yet many of us have had friendships with people only to discover that the person never really had our best interest at heart. To them friendships are formed based on what they can get from another person, as they live their life using people for their own means.

Some examples of this are: friends who need a drinking buddy so they pressure you to be it, knowing your weakness is alcohol. You  may find yourself only being called or asked to go out when that friend wants to drink. Another type of friendship is a friend who has a life partner and possibly a child, and they’re looking for either free babysitting and/or they like that you are single and available to be their “go to” friend when things need done. You may find yourself constantly being asked to “help” with things like home décor or renovation, shopping, cooking or various other chores that they ask you to help with because they don’t seem to have the time for, or you are "good": at.   At first this type of friendship may seem okay to you, after all helping out friends is important. The problem occurs if that help is hardly ever or never reciprocated back to you. To test this theory, ask yourself, are they suddenly and consistently unavailable to help when you need it? How about when you meet someone? Do they act jealous or try to sabotage your love life? These types of “friends” don’t want you to have a life  outside of theirs because then you won’t be available  to them when they need you.

So what defines a true friend then? A true friend is someone who is there for you when you need them, and reciprocates that back to you.  An example of this is being able to call you at 2am because something major has happened to them and they need to talk to you. If this happens every once in a while and you know that you can call them at 2am if you needed to as well, this type of situation is okay. Now, if the 2am phone call happens every weekend because they are drunk and need a lift home, then that is a problem.

True friends will call you to ask about you and your life. They have an interest in who you are, those you love, and what you are doing.  They also don’t try to push you to do things you don’t want to such as drinking, drugs or to be in situations that you don’t want to be in. They also don’t have an expectation that they will get something from you all the time. They are happy to be around you without strings attached.

So what kind of friends do you have? Are they complimenting your lifestyle or creating negativity in your world?

1.        Volume

 Begin by examining your vocal volume to determine how you are perceived by others in social situations. For example: Do you find yourself stuttering and stumbling upon your words? Do you struggling to communicate clearly and effectively? Perhaps you are the opposite of this. Are you loud and brash, you letting everyone in the room know that you are there? The ideal volume for speaking falls in between these two scenarios. Loud enough to be heard, but not shouting at a person. Can you imagine a Hypnotherapist shouting at clients? That would definitely be frowned upon! It’s not a relaxing way to communicate and it can scare people too. Now, If I whispered and stuttered at my clients they would not understand what I was saying would they? If this is your problem, consider working with someone on self-confidence and voice projection. Joining a choir for example, is a great and fun way to learn voice projection and gain confidence in volume control and public appearances.

2.       Tone

Tonality is important in communication. As a Hypnotherapist it is very important that my tone convey a professional, relaxed manner. I try to speak in even tones, with emphasis when required. Many women especially, have a habit of turning their comments into questions. They do this by placing the emphasis at the end of the sentence where they raise their tone.  To illustrate this tonality, I have created a simple question posed to a hypothetical woman named Mary.  Question: “what did you do today Mary?”  Answer: “Well, we went canoeing on the lake?” (raises tone of voice at the end of her sentence to create a question) This should have be a statement, but it has been turned into a question. Why is this wrong?  By turning statements and facts into questions, the validity and merit of what you are saying becomes weakened. If your speech tonality reflects that you are looking for validation in what you are saying, it shows that you have a lack of confidence in your own words.

3.       Breathing

 Many people who are nervous in social situations unconsciously increase their breathing rate often to the point of sounding breathless (which they tend to be) It is important to remember to take several deep breathes if you find yourself becoming nervous or anxious. Even confident speakers can become breathless due to over exertion and excitement in relaying their point. Take the time to pause during conversations. It allows you to hear what the other person is saying, and if needed, gives you time to get your breathing to a comfortable level again.  Practicing speaking in front of a mirror. This is a good way to work on controlling your breathing as you can physically see how you are acting. Do you tense your shoulders? Do you hold your breath at any point? Watch yourself in the mirror and see what happens. Another option is to work with a close friend who will not judge you. You can then have discussions on a variety of social topics, while working on breathing and listening skills.

If you take the time to work on these 3 areas, you are well on your way to mastering the art of socializing comfortably and with confidence.

You have decided to take a new path in life. Your soul has been calling out for change and you find yourself needing to make that change now. You are excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for you, but your excitement and anticipation of the future does not make your life partner happy. What are you to do? How do you handle all the negativity that may start coming your way?

Anger and negativity are often based in fear. For a life partner who is watching their other half go through big changes it can be a scary thing for them. For some people, the growth they are witnessing can trigger their own fears and insecurities. They may start to think things like “What if my partner changes so much they don’t want to be with me anymore?” or “Am I supposed to do this too? Are they telling me that there is something wrong with me?” 

Rest assured that in most cases these types of thoughts could not be further from the truth. Just because you are a couple, doesn’t mean that you have to do everything that they are doing. Your partner loves you as you are, and is simply looking for you to be there with them, as the support that you have always been.  You may stumble across an area of study that interests you too, but it’s okay if you don’t.

What is important to remember for both parties is to have a plan. Studying a topic that interests you can be fascinating and enthralling, but where are you going with it? What are you goals? What would you like to do with the information you acquire? Having a plan and keeping the lines of communication open and clear will help alleviate any fears your partner has, especially if you decide that your new life direction requires a career change.  Risk doesn’t have to equal financial ruin if you plan and prepare for that change.