Like many people, I have a background that led me to make wrong choices and choices that were born out of a need to be loved and wanted. I am adopted. I am the product of a teenager mother and her choices. As an adult, I came to the realization that my parents adopted me as a “fix” for their failing marriage. All the anger, resentment and loathing that they felt towards each other, was going to be erased when the adopted me, or so they thought.
They already had the child they wanted, the boy, chosen when they were in love. He became their symbol for all that was right, a way for them to verify their choice to marry and stay married. If there was ever two people that were not meant to be together it was them. The irony, I was the one that would point that out to them.
I grew up, ignored, abused at will and treated like a servant. While the boy grew up and remained a constant child of reckless abandon, I grew up the perfect child, dedicated to her parents, hardworking, scholastic and quiet. I was forbidden to join any school social clubs, and later to work in any job other than babysitting while all my friends worked in co-op jobs and learned about life. My sole purpose was to be like a maid, to be my mother’s companion and to study as it was my job to prosper so that she could leave my father and live with me. Growing up I knew that I was different from all of them. I knew that my voice was strong and true, but I had been taught to not trust myself, to ignore my needs and to repeat the patterns.
As an adult, after many years of pain and suffering I learned to listen to my inner voice and break the patterns. The lessons I learned, are the lessons I pass on to others. You do have a strong voice, and you do have the power to break negative patterns. I learned that the choices other people make don’t have to be yours, even if they try to decide for you.
Sometimes making choices that speak to your heart and soul ends up hurting the people you love. Sometimes, the choices that you make, means the people that you love won’t agree with them, and they will walk away from you. Choices are not always easy, and the pain they can create is always very real.
What does all of this mean? It means, instead of berating ourselves for the choices we make, we should learn from them, grow. Whether they were good, bad, or somewhere in between, they were the choices that had to be made, and we made them with all the knowledge and understand we had at that time.
Take the knowledge that you have now. Take everything that you have learned and if you find yourself stuck in a pattern of negative beliefs and hating your life, then do something about it. Make a choice for you, listen to your inner voice and follow your dreams.
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